A Lawyer’s Letter to His Pastor


By Banturaki Bernard Paddy

Dear Pastor Bugingo.

First I wish to greet you in the name of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ.

From the sidelines, I have been keenly following your situation and I must admit that as of today, I don’t want to be you because I doubt my capacity to fit in your shoes.

Yesterday evening, I sat in one of Kampala’s pork joints, of-course to eat that forbidden animal which has continued to disturb me because of its pandemic sweetness.

As I waited to be served my share of the forbidden animal, a group of youthful Ugandans sat near me and started an interesting debate.

For nearly 3(three) hours, they debated your troubles—which seem to be intertwined with your strong resolve to break loose from your homestead and harvest a forbidden fruit from the farmland.


The most disturbing thing in their debate was when one of the proposers of the motion pointed out that all used sanitary pads should, forthwith, be re-baptized Pastor Bugingo! I almost shouted “Fayaaaa”!

At this moment, I opened my book of history and looked for the page “Pastor Bugingo”. Some few years ago when you were still as foolish as those currently abusing you, I saw you castigating another pastor for allegedly having sexual bliss outside the four corners of his marital bed.

I think it was Pastor Kiganda. I beg to be corrected in case I am wrong about the identity of your victim.

At that time, Kiganda had reached his slippery ground and you were still cruising on your most straight and dry road. Today, you have reached your slippery road and many Ugandans are somersaulting at you like ninjas on rampage. I hope you find the modesty to extend a hand of apology to Pastor Kiganda.

I am not saying this to say, “it serves you right”, though I really think it serves you right.

Rather, I am saying this to remind you that humanness is treacherous; and it is treacherous to all of us in equal measure.

Many may Laugh at you, but for me, I thank God that you have approached your slippery road when you are still strong enough to juggle the mud and water and still emerge victorious.

The people, both men and women, who ate currently castigating you don’t know your story; and they precisely don’t know that their own worst times are yet to come.

They are laughing at a falling man yet they haven’t reached their own slippery ground—the good writers call them fools! Yes, it is only fools that laugh at those who have met the devil by the roadside when actually the same devil is heading to their own homes for dinner. Alas for them fools!

When you are standing straight, you never get to imagine that you can fall. Before you realize it, you get to learn that human life is designed in such a way that we all must live it by routinely falling and rising, until we finally fall for good. Yes, life ends with a big fat fall.

As I neatly conclude my letter to you, I want to give you some pieces of advice. At this point in your history, you should not be so much worried about what society thinks of you. It is sad but true that your societal image has already hit rock—bottom.

Whoever wants to hate you will not hate you any more than they currently do. You should be more worried about your own self and how you can most probably destroy your own self and your career in an attempt act the victim. You need to change your advisors.

You have lived a life of using your mouth to earn a living by either serving God or pretending to serve God. I do not know what the truth is because I precisely don’t know which God you serve.

However, you must know that whether you serve God or yourself, your mouth is your tool of trade; and good Business Practice demands that you use your tool of trade carefully and sparingly, always spotting the side of the bread that is battered. On this, you have miserably failed the test.

At the start, it was a disagreement between you and your penis. While the pastor in you wanted to remain married to Pastor Teddy until death do you part, the penis in you wanted and still wants to explore the forbidden waters.

Being an amphibian, a penis will always want to jump into any available pond/pool. It happens to all of us humans and I know you are human! Every man lives a difficult life where the small head in his trousers keeps fighting to take control over the real head. Bugingo, we all go through it.

However, when a pastor’s penis disagrees with his conscience, the pastor must read 1 Corinthians, then buy a padlock for his dirty mouth, lock the mouth and throw the keys!

Bugingo, wherever you kept your padlock, go get it, and lock that mouth! To me and to all reasonable members of the society, you never committed anything humanly incomprehensible in wanting to marry another woman. You started committing sacrilege when you started washing your dirty pants at the pulpit. As unfortunate as it may have been for a pastor of the Christian faith to want to marry another woman, the management of our penis was a matter between you and your wife Teddy.

But loving outside your marriage is very human, for both wives and husbands. It may not be ok, but it is human. And if society can accept a man to marry another man, I find it stupid that we still speak a lot of English when a man loves two women or vice versa.

We already know that marriages end; and that Pastors’ marriages do not enjoy an iron curtain of immunity against the natural wears and tears of marriages. Therefore, many of us were deeply ready to appreciate that your marriage had ended. We had no interest in the details.

However, let it now enter your sick thick head that no matter the amount of disagreement that characterizes his marriage, a man never tells society how unpalatable his wife’s vagina is! It is therefore inexplicable as it is inexcusable for you, a grown man, a father, a religious leader, and a renowned public speaker to have forgotten yourself and decided to press the button of self-destruction in an attempt to blame your wife for your marital woes.

No one will believe you and you are investing on a venture in futility.

You should leave women to go about telling the world how we snore, how we are one minute, and how we are good-for-nothing dogs; but never should you ever undermine our eternal grading as men by spilling the ugly episodes of your love life.

You have really killed us Bugingo! It was very painful seeing you fronting your wife’s 10 (ten) year sickness as your reason to characterize your marriage to her as “less than a marriage”

At least for you, you knew that you weren’t getting her because of a sickness both of you were battling. Many men in this country keep looking at their naked and healthy wives with the sadness of Moses looking at the Promised Land without any hope of reaching it

Absolutely no reason given! Sex has become a tool of domestic violence! By castigating your wife because of her medical condition, you struck me as a foolish pretender of a pastor who doesn’t know what marriage is all about.

Let me ask you a simple question. When you picked Teddy as a wife, didn’t you know she was a human being capable of falling sick? The wise laugh at ugliness, fools laugh at disease. You also told us how Teddy stood by you in Bwaise? Which un-loving woman would agree to live with you in Bwaise? Unless of course she is an amphibian, happy to live in a swamp! You have really ashamed yourself! I have also seen you trying to ensconce your ineptitude in the fact that your wife’s disease was already part of the public domain since it was already pan of her earlier testimony in church.

By this you meant to imply that talking about her sickness the way you did was healthy. Man, you passed as the crown prince of insanity! Bwana Bugingo, this further deepened your venture in ignorance.

A person may talk about her own health in any way. Unless she afterwards calls upon you to give more commentary, you must keep your dirty mouth shut! Let me emphasize that even when she asks you to talk about it you must be careful and perhaps simply say, “church what madam has testified about is the truth, the very truth, and nothing else but the truth”.

Lastly, simply because half a person’s marital life was a period of sickness does not delete that bad phase from the marital equation.

Simply because your wife was “crossing the red sea” for a straight 10(ten) years does not mean she was not a wife during that hard time. In fact, that’s the time you became a real husband, and you couldn’t have been a good husband without a wife.

By using the 10-year absence of sex as a yardstick to question the validity of the marriage, you reminded me of a friend of mine who has profoundly deleted 23 years of his early life from the counting of his age simply because those years were years of debilitating poverty. We are now 3 years shy of 40 but he says he is 14 years old—and he is serious by the way, it is called “living in denial”.

Before I say bye, I wish to say that your marital crisis is one other reminder of the failure of the Christian marriage and its archaic notion of “till death do us part”.

No wonder, many spouses these days organize the death of their partners in order to end the York of the Christianity of marriage. No wonder medical research shows a higher HIV infection rate among married people. No wonder recent research shows that religious marital partners are the most unfaithful marital partners.

I still maintain my objection to the Christian notion that marriage is forever. The midi is that marriage is a bond of mutual love, sexual intercourse, shared goals, mutual respect, moral sacrifices, personal commitments and many other elements of peaceful co-existence. Once the elements of a functional marriage cease to exist, that’s the end of the Christianity of marriage and the relationship should be allowed to end purely for irreconcilable differences.

At that level, the only thing that merits discussion, whether in or outside court, should be “the future-in-separation”, including but not limited to the sharing of marital wealth and the plight of the children of the failed marriage.

Pastor, we can discuss this further over coffee but I hope you start telling people that where marriage/love ends, life continues; and that you don’t need to undress someone in order for you to look dressed.

Your personal experience must have shown you that in a bid to undress someone, you sometimes undress yourself

Most importantly, let me emphasize that your despicable conduct towards Teddy does not can you any respect before your new woman, unless she is a fool of course! Most second wives are fools anyway. They forge their ways into other women’s marriages hoping to keep the man alone, forgetting that (your guess is as good as mine) Pastor,

If your new catch has an ounce of coconut in her head, she will remain aware of what you are likely to do to her in case another candidate coma up; and no matter how wrong she may turn out to be, history will always judge you harshly.

I therefore urge you to take leave, ignore the sexiness of the young lady, close your mouth for once, call a true friend of yours and have a deep and open discussion with our mother Teddy Bugingo.

Yon will disagree on some few things but I am sure   you will agree on many others. That’s the only right thing to do.

Leave us the lawyers out of this. It will destroy you. It will destroy you. It has already destroyed you brother.

Your Brother in faith

Banturaki Bernard Paddy

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